It’s a shorter trip than normal lately to find myself in an old skin. Feelings of guilt or self-loathing creep in. Luckily, it’s nothing like the days when that was my existence. They come and go fairly quickly now, but it’s scary to experience how quickly those old feelings can become the focus. Anger can take me over. I’m not even sure where the anger came from initially. But I can tell you that it’s fierce when it’s present. Maybe it’s all the movies I’ve been watching about justice lately – seeing people do intentionally evil things. That fires me up.

I don’t think that who we were is ever gone. All the things we’ve done and experienced make us who we are. Sometimes it’s a struggle to let go, it can take years to heal. The things that haunt me the most are the times when I allowed myself to be treated poorly. I’m not proud of it, but when I’m feeling the worst about myself, parts of me long to be treated poorly again. We can fool ourselves into feeling relieved at mistreatment. But the choice to seek that out is the choice that may take us years to heal from. Wondering why you took it, why you kept going back, why at times it felt so good. It takes far more strength and courage to be addicted to love than to be addicted to pain. Anyone can seek pain, anyone can abuse and mistreat themselves – it’s a common disease. Overeating, drinking too much, intimacy with people you don’t love and who don’t love you, smoking, avoiding, lying, fitting in…it’s all the same. Living in self-induced pain is cowardice. Self-love is a true test of character. Stand up for yourself, LOVE yourself, take care of your body, mind and spirit. It’s the only path to evolution. It’s the only way you will know your purpose, the only way you will become all that you were meant to be. If you think the world is keeping you down, take another look. It is ourselves that keep us down. Overcome the idea that you’re not good enough, embrace the possibility that you are a unique and rare treasure. Everyone loves happy endings – could it be that you actually deserve one yourself?

It’s up to you. It’s always been up to you. You determine the person you are, you must overcome who and what you’ve been and seek to become something greater. I will if you will Ok, I’m going to regardless – but I’d love to have your company along the way. I guarantee that you’re more wondrous and more amazing than you can fathom. I long to experience the real truth in others, the time when you fully embrace who you are. The real you is so much brighter and surprising than what anyone else wants you to be. Most people’s imagination is lame – don’t let them decide who you become.

Oh…and if you just happen to actually like pain once in a while – we can trade punches WHAM WHAM WHAM!

The true bad-asses of the world decide who they are for themselves. Rock on with yo bad self!

At least I have learned my lesson soundly this time. This whole trip to far away places to explore on my own makes me sound like such an adventurer…but honestly, it’s not worth it for all the stress it causes me. What a humbling experience! I’m generally a quite confident person, but I feel so completely out of my element. I wanna be home. Ugh, I hate even admitting that. So there you have it, my Achilles heal…but keep it quiet! I have my tough-girl image to maintain. lol

I did, however, have the best day of the trip yesterday. I drove from Lake Tahoe down to Twain Harte (on the southwest side of Yosemite). I began in the snow-covered mountains at an elevation of about 8,000 feet. It was incredible!! Snow was falling, the wind was whipping around wildly and the mountains were astounding. I got out at one of the overlooks to take pictures and it was absolutely freezing! I wasn’t really prepared for that clothing-wise, so I didn’t stay too long. Within about an hour, it was in the 70s and the mountains were alive with life and ultra-springtime green. Absolutely beautiful.

After driving for a while in the lovely weather, I happened upon Glory Hole. I’ll wait for you to stop laughing…I’m laughing with you. Yup, they named a state park “Glory Hole”. Seriously. A quick note to the state park namer-peoples…this is not exactly an inviting name for most of us. I’m a little revolted just at the thought of the phrase…but the place was so gorgeous that I swallowed back the initial ick and decided to check it out. It was totally incredible! The greenest green you can imagine, rolling hills, twisty trees, the swishy grass that makes that calming noise as the wind blows and a lake. I walked trails there for a couple of hours (after finding the perfect parking spot (there was practically no one there)…yet I still drove around for way too long until I was “comfortable” with the parking…seriously, so annoying). I saw a bunch of deer and what I think were Osprey. A lot of those suckers. I was actually afraid for a minute as they circled around. One flew closer to me than I was comfortable with. I’m fumbling around trying to get a picture of the thing, then I think – what the hell am I going to do if they start swooping at me? I picked up the pace and sort of let the picture opportunity go.

As a sort of conclusion to my trip, I’m a creature of comfort. I get unbearably worked up and hermit-ish when I’m without it. What brings the comfort? Familiarity I guess. Traveling with someone I love would be a good start…I feel like a monumental dipstick. So…it is with great relief that I get on a plane home tomorrow. I’m looking forward to going back to work. Seriously, a lot. I’m eager to get back to taking care of myself. That’s the other thing about traveling, it’s very difficult to eat well and exercise (especially when you’re on edge the whole time at the thought of finding appropriate places to do these). Quinn the Adventurer? Perhaps not my friends, perhaps not.

What’s Missing in CA…

My intent is to write about my travels: but at there is something far more compelling that needs addressing first. I booked this trip as an act of “moving on” when my marriage was at a particularly low point. At present, my marriage has the strongest sense of partnership that it ever has. While I still plan to get the most out of my travels, this trip feels more bittersweet than anything. I feel like a selfish, petulant child for having even booked this trip. Every wondrous moment here carries with it the emptiness of my hand where his should be. I don’t think I allowed myself to feel the pain and sorrow of all that happened until I came here. I just moved on. Mike kept telling me that I appeared to be moving on; I really didn’t think too much about it then. But looking back, I was behaving as if he’d just lifted right out of my life. I even felt that way at times. I left no time to feel, no time to mourn; I just moved on. A nice, prickly basket of logic. Adorable aren’t I??

I feel really alone being here. Not because I am alone, but because the person that I want most to share all this with…I left behind. I chose to do this on my own, and I vowed that we were in it together. While it’s been painful, this trip is teaching me tons about what’s really important to me. It’s also allowed me to see my behavior in a different way: yup, I have some work to do folks. I know, I know – shocking! So what’s missing in CA? Mike! Damn it all to hell! I promise I won’t always be a moron baby!

Muir Woods

I could not wait to leave San Francisco. Nothing in particular against it, the city is just the opposite of what I needed on this trip. I was so exhausted from trying to hold it together that my hands were shaking before I even got in the car to leave the city. I could have collapsed into sobbing by the time I was across the Golden Gate Bridge. Sooo not a city girl.

But Muir Woods is exactly what I’m talking about! Easily one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been. The redwoods have a strength and majesty about them that is simple incredible. It was like being in an enchanted forest. Everything seemed  brighter and more hopeful there. Kids with parents, lovers, friends – all seemed to be infused with the magic of it all. I stopped to close my eyes and breathe it all in. I stood with the pain and sadness that I’d been fending off for so long. I cried as I felt the absence of my husband, I cried at my own misdoings. In that very moment, a mouse popped its head from the ground cover. Nature is super cool!

Napa Valley

After Muir Woods, I headed towards Napa Valley. On the way, I stopped at a place with shops and gardens. I wandered around the gardens admiring the artwork and browsed in and out of the stores, happy to stretch my legs after driving for a bit. One of the stores had a bulldog named Axel. He was at the door when I came in and I patted him on the head and expected to make my way around the store. Not so much. Axel sniffed one of my shoes and feel deeply in love. He locked his mouth around half my foot; I laughed it off and patted him on the head. I took another step and he latched on again, this time growling and using his paw to hold my leg in place. I laughed again and tried to distract him, but he was all the way in. He jumped around and snorted and batted at my foot, with the tip of his nose tracking the slightest movement of my foot. The store owner yelled “Axel!”, but gave me a look like I’d brought this on myself and went back to his shop-keeping. I couldn’t take a step and now he was really biting down on my foot. I tried to tell him no, but nothing phased him. Finally after 3 mins or so of my struggling to move, Axel’s owner finally came and took him away. Axel digs my shoes – lucky me

I then made my way to Golden Gate Park. I made a direct line to the Japanese Tea Garden, which I’d read about and seen while looking for parking. It is absolutely amazing! What I love most is observing how obviously beautiful places in nature bring out the best in people. It’s a place designed to have us slow down and pay attention to the small wonders that surround us. Left and right, people are literally stopping to smell the flowers. In this space so delicately and lovingly cared for, strangers will easily share appreciation and awe at a hummingbird flitting among the branches. Delight and laughter echo as children and adults climb the archway over the stream, posing for photo opportunities along the way. The Koi in the pond become the stars of the show, with their gold, white and black shimmering movements.

As I walk back out to the center of Golden Gate Park, I see the orchestra assembling. They have free concerts on the weekends – great stuff! My favorite is the conductor in his electric blue coat. I sit for a bit and enjoy the music and observe people as they come and go. The de Young Fine Art Museum is right next door, so I pop over to check out the sculpture garden outside. My favorite sculpture in the garden is a bunch of ceramic upside-down apples (much larger than life, almost the size of exercise balls). They are shiny and red and appealing The fine art museum building is a quite impressive display in itself. It’s a geometric building, with lots of sides and twists and angles. At the far corner of the sculpture garden, there’s a hut-like structure where your voice echos really well. I encounter a family with two small children, who are absolutely thrilled at the echo. They are racing around the circle screaming as loud as possible and laughing wildly. Excellent!

As I walk around the other side of the art museum, I hear music and laughter. There is a group of 50-ish people taking swing lessons right there in the park! So cool!! They have a live band, and a male and female instructor, who are in the middle with microphones leading the students with a enlivened “Rock step, tri-ple step, tri-ple step, rock step!” These two really love what they do, they are having so much fun. The joy is infectious.

I sit in the courtyard for a while longer and enjoy the music and the people. Enjoying people…it can be done anywhere

 When I strip it down, the fear comes from the sense that underneath it all is a gaping emptiness; a mass cover-up. In your face messages that everything is under control, we’ve got it all figured out – this is the life! Houses built 3 stories high, piled on top of one another, windows look out upon concrete, metal and wire.

 I don’t mean to say my experience thus far has been negative. The geography here is amazing. Practically from every place you go, you can see water. The hills and nature are incredible. My first full day here, I went to Berkeley and spent most of the day in a Buddhist workshop at a Tibetan Institute. Other than sitting still all day, it was great. The instructor was an incredibly kind, generous man. He had the demeanor you often associate with Buddhist monks (or I do). He had an infectious smile, which bubbled up through every word he spoke. He spoke of love, compassion, generosity and vigorous effort (the name of the workshop). Essentially, the teaching was that we must overcome our emotions (kleshas), in order to proceed with love, compassion, genuine joy and effort. Our time is short. We have no time to waste in letting our emotions fall away and focusing our every action with the intent on loving others and moving them (and ourselves) towards enlightenment.

I speak of the fear that cities stir within me, because I know it’s something worth exploring. I have to work really hard not to shell-up completely in the city. I feel incredibly protective and guarded – is this the way everyone in the city feels? There is certainly a world of opportunity in the city. You can do, eat, experience and explore just about anything.

 People make sense to me. Exchanging a smile or nod with a stranger just feels good. The people found in the city are what really matter. The buildings, cars, traffic and noise just make it more difficult not to get distracted. It’s easy to overlook the 35 people sharing the rail with you, the 50 people in and out of the café while you enjoy your lunch. Is this why it seems so comforting to whittle our scope down to the people we already know as we talk on our cell phones, text or email? No one likes to be reminded that they’re alone. Yet truly, if you’re willing to acknowledge others…you’re never alone. We’re all far more similar than we generally like to admit. We want to be different, to be special. Why does it hurt so much to know we are one of many? We think this will make us feel unimportant, but doesn’t it instead give us the ultimate opportunity for wholeness? Admitting that we are the same means we ARE actually all family. With that concept, I begin my 2^nd day in CA…remembering that I share this city with 6 million family members…

Once you offer help in a specific way, do you have an obligation to continue if you helped to create a dependent situation? Is it wrong to change your mind just like that?

What my actions are helping someone personally, but hurting my relationship with them? When you commit your life to someone, does this change the rules?

Take alimony, for example: I never really thought that the person who wasn’t working was “owed” a payment by the other just because that was what they were accustomed to. If kids are involved, sure. It makes sense that both should offer financial support for the children. But if a married couple decided that the wife would stay home and care for the children, and they split up, doesn’t that negate their arrangement? Doesn’t that automatically change the game? I can see maybe some kind of arrangement for a few months while she works out a plan, but I’ve heard of arrangements where she’s paid until she re-marries??? Balls.

I’d love to hear your stories on this topic, I’m really not sure what I think is right.

Relationships can be so different from either side. You’ve heard about the room full of people who see a common object completely differently. Why don’t they tell us more often that it’s the same effect with those closest to our hearts? That you can be in the same relationship as another, and have completely different experiences. No one else in the world is having the same experience as you. Pain, fear, love - you all have an individual experience.

Your individual experience can cause a lot of suffering. You feel alone (you are). You feel misunderstood (you are). You want to share your experience (you’ll never actually know what it’s like for someone else). The beauty of the individual experience, is that it’s all up to YOU. While you might like someone else to tell you what to do…YOU are the only person that knows. All you need is right there – within you. YOU are the one who knows for certain what is or isn’t right for you. Questioning that is healthy (sometimes we fool ourselves). But place the opinions of others before your own..and you begin to lose your sight. What you see becomes nothing; you become dependent on others for your own experience. What a waste – you had a great thing there.

You don’t have to convince me that your experience is right, it doesn’t matter what I think. And I won’t be holding out for what you think of my experience either, I’ve got stuff to do while I”m here! You can only see me from the outside; as I you. It will never matter what anyone else thinks of your decisions if you can’t make them for yourself. Allow others to sway your experience too much, and you’re giving your life away. The most valuable gift of all time.

I think understanding is highly overrated. Many seem to find comfort in the knowing. Personally, I hope to never fully understand myself. If I know all there is to know about me, chances are I’ve given up. I don’t want to think about a time when I stop changing or stop being surprised. How could I possibly know everything there is to know about me if I haven’t experienced it all? None of us have experienced it ALL. So why would you try to explain to anyone else who you are? And why would you care what they take away? Even assuming you did know yourself fully, you’ll never be able to control the perceptions of others.

I like the not knowing. I don’t find that in common with others very often, but I truly take pleasure in not knowing who I’ll be tomorrow, or in this or that situation. There a several things that are at my core, but even those could change. Why do we hold on so tight to our versions of what is? And why are we so resistant to change?

One of the things I love most about expression, is that people take away from it whatever is personal to them. It’s totally ok with me (expected even) if people read my writing and interpret it completely differently. I get comments often on things I share, that aren’t in line with my intention. But my intention isn’t to make sure that others understand me, so I embrace these comments just as much (maybe more) as the ones that validate my message. I share because I truly enjoy it. I do my best to share even the hardest, potentially controversial sides of myself not because I need you to know me (good luck with that, I’ve been working on it for years). I share personal details of myself because I truly believe it’s how we grow. If I have any intention for my audience, it’s that they begin to see that even the most ugly, unfavorable sides of themselves aren’t that bad. We’ve all been wronged and done wrong. So you’ve experience that. But have you experienced what it feels like to let it go? Simply to share it with someone, to own it as your own. That’s true freedom.

The next time you find yourself frustrated because someone is misunderstanding you, ask yourself why it matters. Are you behaving in a way you’re proud of? In that answer, you’ll find the true value.

Knowing your own boundaries is a learning experience. Sometimes you just don’t know your boundaries until they’re violated. Trying to anticipate how you’ll feel when XYZ point arrives rarely pays off. How can we know what we’re capable of until we experience it? How long do you give yourself to decide if something is ok? Worth fighting for? All we really have is our experience and our internal compass. Trusting yourself can be difficult. There is always someone out there that wants you to feel a certain way or to do something specific. But what other’s want is only so important. I’m not saying that we should all just go with what we feel with no consideration for how it affects others; but how do we weigh the consideration of others against the consideration for ourselves?

The ability we have to effect others in a positive way is directly related how well we care for ourselves. Compassion, honesty, strength and courage are born within. To some extent, we have to choose ourselves first (granted, when we’re talking about children…I have a bit of a different opinion). We have to create lives that provide us with the things we need to care for ourselves. There are things we have to sacrifice for that life. If you want adventure and excitement, as well as a stable family life…well, you’ll have to settle for adventure as a hobby.

Some decisions we can’t undo. I can change my mind if I thought I wanted a job where I don’t travel and now I want to travel, but if I decided I want a kid and I have one…I have a whole new set circumstances to weigh my choices against.

The exhausting thing about establishing boundaries, is that our work is never done. We’re never through establishing, and communicating our boundaries. Right…did I mention that you have to TELL people about them once you know what they are? That’s right. And you may have to be aggressive about it. It might surprise you, but your boundaries may not be clear or a top priority for those around you. Think how many times you get asked to do something ridiculous (according to you) at work. They must not think it’s ridiculous, or they wouldn’t be “asking”. Once you know your boundaries, you have to be willing to communicate them clearly, and probably repeatedly.

We all have our limits. It can be difficult to know when you’ve tried hard enough to get around a conflict. I try to gauge it back to communication. Did I clearly communicate my needs? Did I allow time for things to change? Am I damaging myself further by remaining in the current situation? Is there a choice I’m not seeing? For me, it comes down to time. Time is one of my most valued assets. All I really have is today. There are only so many todays I am willing to get through when I’m not getting what I need.

Boundaries – you have to establish them. You have to communicate them – over and over and over. And then re-establish them when circumstances change. Then communicate some more. Get comfortable with this cycle…it never ends.

For some, family is the only place we feel safe to reveal our true nature. Is it by default? Is it because they’ve already been a part of our history, what made us? And what happens when family are those who have the most distinct expectations of who and what we should be? Who do we turn to then?

I never really understood family growing up. Truly, I just didn’t get it most of the time. I come from a “broken home” (I hate that term) – but I think the mildest sort of breakage out there. My parents remained civil to one another (at least as far as I know), and they stayed close enough so that they both remained an active part of my brother and I’s lives. But way before the divorce, I felt like an outsider. What we were all doing there? I have no memory of my mother and father happy together (they divorced when I was 10). There weren’t any dramatic fights or turmoil either…it’s a fact that could easily go forgotten completely. The truth is, I don’t have any memory of them interacting at all. I’m sure they must have, but I have no memories of the two of them together. I see it in pictures, but I don’t remember feeling it. I don’t remember seeing them embrace, or kiss one another, or fight.

I was incredibly independent even before the divorce. I was always trekking off on my own; looking in on my family as if I had always been on the outside. The divorce just further solidified my separation. Then I had 4 “adults” who created my “home”. My father moved in with my soon-to-be step-mother, who had 3 kids of her own. My mom dated several different men before she met my step-dad. Soon enough, I had 2 new homes, with 2 new addition “parents”. My mom still lived in the house I grew up in, which always felt like my home. I had my own room there. At my dad’s house, I shared a room with my step-sister, who was only 9 months older than me. I always felt like an unwelcome guest there. It was my stepmother’s family’s house, and she made sure I knew it. They had money – old money I think. I was impressed at first with the enormity of the house. My brother and I had shared a room for a long time at our house and we only had 1 & 1/2 bathrooms for 4 people. This house was monstrous comparatively - 3 stories and a huge lot with a barn, pond, etc. But I quickly grew to resent the whole thing. The whole place was dripping with a desperate need for attention, every detail down to the crystal figurines and the fine china screamed “notice me! notice me! PLEASE!”. There was a need within that space which could never be filled…hard as my dad might try.

Soon, manipulation, dishonesty and jealousy were prominent in both my parents new relationships. I saw it, I felt it – but they didn’t seem to. I hated them all at times. I hated that I wasn’t old enough or resourceful enough to make it on my own. I was loved. I never questioned that. Both my mom and my dad spent a lot of time with me. They made time to foster my interests and come to my sporting events and recitals. They made time to talk to me, to listen to me. But I still felt on the outside.

My brother and I were very different. We didn’t spend a lot of time together once we were both teenagers, but I always felt like he was my only alli. He left when he was a sophomore in high school – I didn’t blame him. His absence drove me to take on my independence with a new passion. I didn’t feel that I had anyone left who understood. I clung to the few threads of recognition I found in the relationship with my boyfriend – which just ended up damaging me further. I essentially disappeared.

Years later, I’m still learning the true meaning of family. For years, I couldn’t understand why my mom even continued to take an interest in me. I was so angry at her, she was like the chink in my armor as an adolescent. She probably has no idea, but all those years when things were tense and distant between us…it was mainly because my love for her made me feel weak when I knew I needed to be strong. I was up for falling apart, I just couldn’t let her be a part of it. I didn’t know what would happen. I needed her, but I needed my independence more (or so I thought). My dad and I suffered a short period of distance, but recovered quickly. My pain and suffering wasn’t as difficult for him to experience. It was hard on him, but he had more experience with that kind of struggle I think. It tore my mom apart and I could hear it over the phone line – even though she wasn’t saying it. I think she was sincerely concerned that I was suicidal for awhile. I felt responsible for her pain and I just didn’t know how to handle that. So I stayed away.

There are times now, that one of us can finally say out loud how we feel. That the bandages can be pulled back, or even off…and we can share a part of who we truly are. The layers run deep. Family is often kryptonite and your saving grace all at once. They know truths of you that no one else could, they carry experiences that made you. They created our first experiences of love, our first experiences of loss, betrayal, disappointment, courage. It doesn’t matter how great they were or how hard they tried. These experiences are life changing – ones we run from or to (or both at once). They show us what it is to be human. They reveal the potential that lies within us all. They provide the chance to love, to grow, to become someone we’re proud of.

I can’t express the gratitude I have for my family…despite some of the past I’ve shared here, they gave me an incredibly solid foundation to build outward from. They taught me what it means to be responsible, courageous and honest. They taught me how to become someone I’m proud of. Thank you my sweet, dear family. I love you.